That Girl

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like you are the one standing outside the group and they keep turning and looking at you, whispering and then walking away? Have you ever tried to be a part of the group and they seem to accept you but you still feel like an outsider? Welcome to my world.

Growing up there were neighborhood kids, but for some reason I was never allowed to go in their houses and rarely allowed to play in their yards, even though their yards were right next to mine. I couldn't understand why and they sure didn't understand why. The limited interaction I had with them was when they were allowed to come in my yard and play in the sandbox or climb the apple tree. I often watched from afar groups of kids running around the block, playing tag or going to the corner store for penny candy. I didn't understand why I couldn't be a part of the fun and my parents offered no true explanation that made sense to a child and I still don't understand as an adult. What happened as the years passed was I became the "weird girl" and every time they did come over, their goal was to make me cry. Many times they succeeded. Sometimes I saw pity in their eyes and in the eyes of their parents. There were times they were not allowed to play with me, they were outside playing with the other kids, but I was not allowed to join. I understand this is normal playground politics, but when you have rocks thrown at you on a regular basis, it's more than just kids being kids. I had no self-confidence and had limited social skills. I was an outsider in that neighborhood, so when my parents decided to move, I was excited.

It was sixth grade and a new neighborhood, there were kids my age, both boys and girls. I was hoping I would have true friends. And yes, I made friends, but my parents didn't socialize with their parents and they were considered different, therefore again, I was considered different. I was constantly asked, "why don't your parents do this?" and "how come your parents do that?" by both my friends and their parents. My friends constantly made fun of me for things like using big words like conniving or for falling by accident. I didn't see them make fun of each other like they did to me. They were always wanting to do things with each other and I was always the second or third choice to do something with. This made me further doubt myself and remain very shy. This worsened through high school which was one of the most awkward social times for me, I absolutely hated high school. I tried dressing the way the popular kids did, acting like they did, doing my hair like they did, but I never fit it and I never felt good about myself.

Fast forward to today, I'm a grown-up who has had nothing but failed male/female relationships, has attempted suicide, has had an alcohol problem, hasn't fulfilled but one of her dreams (having a child) and still feels like an outsider. I have a couple good friends and family that I know would be there for me no matter what, but I still feel alone. I feel empty and unfulfilled, I feel like a failure in my career and as a mother, but I'm still trying to be a good person. I still feel like I'm on the outside of life and I don't know how to open the door to get in. I don't understand what I did wrong or how I got locked out and I don't know what to do to change it all. But it's a scary place to be. I'm exhausted from being labeled "that girl." I'm exhausted from trying to be me, that's all I'm trying to be is me and it's not good enough.